What the H@#$ Have I Been Doing?

I’ve asked myself this question a million times lately. I have dreams. I have goals. I have slippery aspirations I just can’t quite keep a grip on. It’s hard, this whole “getting published”  thing. I mean, there’s all the research you have to do to find agents that are open to submissions that actually what to read your dystopian-cycloptic-pirate-romance-thriller novella (Not that I am writing such a genre but omg doesn’t that sound amazing?!) Then once you find the perfect agent, they have to throw your manuscript at the skulls over God knows how many publishers and hope they read it while they ice their fresh skull-knot. Then one of them has to not only like it but decide if it will sell. Is there a shelf at Barnes and Noble waiting for your masterpiece-of-shit?

But before all of that you have to sit and write the damn thing. No, I am sorry to say, there are no magic elves that pop in at night and write up a fresh, engaging, sellable manuscript if you put blank paper under your pillow at night. *Shifty eyes and shoves pages out from under pillow*

I have been trying to become an author for around five years, now, and all I have to show for it is one self-published novel that has earned me about enough for a large one-topping Pizza Hut pizza. With a coupon. They forgot to tell me that, if I wanted to make any money with my book then I had to market it. I got into writing because I am awkward as fuck when I try to talk to people. I can’t very well go out of my comfort zone to try to push some unsuspecting soul into buying my book! (No, seriously…. buy my book. Please?) So if that’s all I have to show for it, then what the bloody hell have I been doing this whole time?!


Just because I only have one book published doesn’t mean I haven’t been writing. Okay so, for me, “writing” basically translates to staring at Facebook and MuggleNet all day but there are the rare days when I can actually find words. Sometimes I even keep those words! But, usually, they get devoured by my delete button. The good news is, if the planets align under the sign of Scorpio with Jupiter rising and all of the cows start to walk backwards, I might finish one or two of them for you to enjoy!

Also, I should mention that training cows to walk backwards is REALLY hard!

If you stick with me long enough, then some day you might see my name on an actual book in an actual store. Sold by actual people. And I might see actual money! Right now I have in the works:

  • A dystopian thriller about human reproduction
  • A psychological thriller with a schizophrenic girl as the MC
  • A supernatural romance about Gods and Wolves
  • A horror novel with a Misery flair
  • Raging Spirit- the sequel to Deny the Moon
  • An erotic short story compilation
  • A feel-good chic-lit comedy novel

Of course, I am only about 1/4 of the way done with two of those, have only a few chapter on three, and have not even gotten past the idea stage with one but Omaha wasn’t built in a day… or something like that. So what else have I been doing if I haven’t finished at least one of these books?

Why, writing for MuggleNet, silly. Oh…. I never mentioned that? Whoops! I guess we can add “updates blog regularly” to the list of shit I can’t seem to ever function enough to do. So, back in November—actually at the exact same time I started the 2015 NaNoWriMo because, you know, I really enjoy stressing myself out to the point of baldness and excessive-drinking—I was chosen to be an intern for the MuggleNet Creative Team. I learned the ins and outs of MuggleNet and how to churn out Potterific articles for one of the most insane fandoms out there. I have since been made a full staff member and am still churning out articles for the site. In fact, I have three on the table due in just a few short days! I told you how I love to kill myself with deadlines, right? *weak laughter* I have written about many hard-hitting topics over there. Such as:

So, there you have it. I may not have a finished manuscript to pimp out to the next literary sugar-daddy, but I have been writing. And that’s the first step to becoming an alcoholic. No, really. I’m on a first name basis with the clerk at the liquor store, now. At first, I thought he wanted my signature because he’d read my book but then I realized it was for the credit slip because I was dropping over fifty bucks on booze.


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