32nd #Birthday: When Everyone Just Quits Trying?

Let me start this post by saying I am not really a birthday kinda gal. In fact, the only reason I know mine is coming up is because my husband asked me his usual, “What do you want for your birthday?” question. There were two years where I actually forgot my own birthday: One I only figured out the day before because of my work schedule, the other I realized the day of because someone wished me a Happy Birthday.

I don’t know when or why the lack of give-a-damns about the day came about; I just know that eventually, when people started giving me the old “Oooohh someone has a birthday coming up” grin and wink, it would take me a few minutes to realize they were talking about me. It was like I had a finite number of fucks to give on the subject, and each year I spent one of my fucks to blow out the birthday candles.

I think the last time I cared was on birthday number 25, and really that was only because I was excited about the super delicious Costco sheet cake my family bought for me. Not even joking, that shit was delicious.

 

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Probably how I am going to be kidnapped one day.

 

Now, because it drives my husband insane that I can never tell him what I want for my manufacturing-date celebration, I figured I would at least try to help him out a little and browse the web for ideas. What DO you give the woman who has no fucking clue what she wants? I typed “gifts for 32 year old women” hoping to find something that was mature yet fun enough to pique my interest. Because, let’s face it, I’m no spring chicken but I can still cluck with the rest of the hen house.

 

It was like I had a finite number of fucks to give on the subject, and each year I spent one of my fucks blowing out the birthday candles.

 

What… the fuck, guys.

Now I know I’ve quit caring about my own birthday—I mean it happens when you got a bushel of crotchfruit to buy gifts for every year… twice. You stop thinking about what you want for yourself when you have to worry about everyone else—but holy damn. When did 30 mean death of creativity, fun, or adventure? Here are some of the gifts suggested for your 32 year old wife/sister/daughter/friend:

 

A floral phone case.

 

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Show how much you care for your wife by giving her a girly-enough-to-puke phone case that she could have probably bought for herself because, you know, it’s a phone case. In fact, she probably saw this at the store, snorted, and passed it up for the durable Otterbox because she knows she’s a klutz, but now she has to smile and pretend to like it because you tried your best.

If you are dead set on giving her something for her phone, I guarantee she would be way more excited if you payed for a month of service, or an iTunes gift card. Or even an Audible membership/credits because, let me tell you, I burn through books on my phone and they are not cheap.

 

 

Cord Organizer.

 

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…. Really? If she needs a cord organizer, chances are pretty good she won’t actually USE the thing, so it will likely just decay at the bottom of her purse.

If she’s the type to get really irked at cords, maybe get her those Bluetooth headphones she’s been drooling over, assuming she hasn’t gone wireless already. Or, if you want to do something with organization because she’s a mess—er—because she is too busy kicking ass and can’t get anyone to cooperate with helping out at home, maybe pay for a housecleaning or organizing service for the house. She will be speechless, I promise.

 

 

Colorful measuring spoons.

 

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Okay so, while these are kinda cute… do they really scream Happy Birthday to you? Yay! You were born! Here is a little reminder that your entire life’s meaning is to cook until you die, and as an added bonus we get to play “will one more item fit in the utensil drawer?!” And I know, I hear you already. “Well my wife doesn’t do all the cooking! I help out, too, because I am super husband!” Which begs the question, if it’s something that is going to be used constantly by everyone in the house, does that really make it her gift? Or just a nice addition to community property?

If you think cooking is the path to her heart, try taking her to a cooking class for couples. Or plan way ahead and save up so that you can spend the week of her birthday taking her to restaurants featuring exotic foods from all over the globe. You know, something that isn’t McDonald’s or Applebees that she doesn’t get to indulge in regularly. Make it a foodie adventure.

 

A Paperweight.

 

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You have GOT to be kidding me, right? If this is how you think your wife feels, maybe you should ask yourself if there might be another reason there isn’t enough wine. And then you might ask yourself if you really want to arm her with a blunt object perfectly sized for throwing.

If it’s the quote thing that caught your eye, then maybe try to tap into your romantic side and start the month out by slipping her hand-written quotes that remind you of her every day. Yes, I know, this takes a lot of planning but come on. Think of her smile when she sees these little surprises and knows you think about her as more than just a bed heater, personal chef, and TV remote arch nemesis. And here is an added bonus… this costs next to NOTHING. Thoughtful and frugal, my two favorite things.

And the last one because we will be here forever if I keep going:

 

Coasters.

 

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Yes, they actually suggested buying a woman 4 coasters for her birthday. Unless these coasters come with a magically endless refill of wine, tea, or whiskey, you just gave me yet another projectile weapon. There really are no words for this one. I mean, really guys? You look at someone you love and think, “she deserves coasters!”

At this point, there are no “comparable” alternatives. If you cannot think of anything better than a coaster, just don’t even try shopping for her. Hand her some cash or a gift card and drop her ass off at her favorite store. It might be the mall, it might be Target. Just let her do her thing. Coasters, guys. Really?

Now I know there are going to be some people whose first reaction to this blog will be, “You are so materialistic! At least they tried! Get over yourself!” To those people, I will point your attention back to the beginning of this rant. I honestly could get nothing and I would be indifferent to it. But I felt like I needed to help my fellow ladies out because sometimes a woman just likes to feel as though someone gets them. And if you notice, I had suggestions that were affordable or even free for the most part. It doesn’t have to break the bank.

 

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Just make sure the gift is appropriate for the recipient, guys.

 

It’s not about how cheap the gift is, it’s solely about knowing the person you are giving the gift to. By the products suggested in the article, I would think these women receiving them are dead inside, gentrified, no fun, and maybe just flat out broke and can’t buy any of these type of things themselves (I mean, baby oil? Really?) And that’s okay if that’s the case, but I wouldn’t label these as gifts to symbolize the celebration of their existence. If you wanna get them some cool coasters, do it just ’cause you think they’d like them. I’m not saying these aren’t nice things, but… you are supposed to step it up a notch for a birthday. C’mon.

Most women want to know they are seen and heard. That you want to experience things with them. Give them an adventure. Give them something they’ve been drooling over. Give them romance. Show you get them as individuals. Don’t just toss them a 5oz bottle of Beauty Blender cleaner. What?

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How to Throw a *Proper* Virtual Launch Party

Launch parties. They sound fun, don’t they? I mean it’s all in the name. A party is a gathering of people coming together for some special occasion (my favorite occasion is having booze in the house) and letting the good times roll, and who doesn’t love to let their hair down once in a while? What a fantastic way to promote your new book!

With Deny the Moon getting ready for it’s own re-launch, I thought I might blog a little about my whole Launch Party process. You know, to sort of give the inexperienced a little peek into the whole thing.

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Look up every resource in the entirety of the human earth (not to be confused with the non-human earth) on the subject of Facebook Book Launches. Follow every suggestion to the letter, including those that contradict each other, until you have consumed so much information that your head feels full and woozy and you suspect it no longer has to do with the fifth of Evan Williams you started in on during blog #67.

Take all of the advice you read about and throw it all in the trash. You are going to wing this!

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Tell a couple of close confidants about your plans. Support is key to getting through this with some sanity. Make sure you repeat your worries, fears, and concerns over and over until they understand that you are totally not asking them for their help. Hold the tears inside when they don’t pick up on the hints. Swallow your feelings along with the month-old, half eaten pint of Ben and Jerry’s you forgot was in your freezer.

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Stalk other launch parties to see how well they did. Not to take their ideas, because we already decided they were rubbish and we are winging it! But we just want proof that this sort of thing actually works. Of course, there really is no proof because we can’t see their sales reports, but boy they look like a fun bunch!

Book launches can be broken down into five basic elements: Games, discussions, giveaways, music, and of course, promoting your book. I mean, the whole point of these things are to tell people about the fruits of the last seven years of your labor, but you don’t want to make the rookie mistake of making the day all about your book. No, why would we want to do that? That’s “rude.” You want to try to convince people to go to Amazon and buy a $3.00 eBook in the most upfront and honest way possible!? Pffft. Amateur. We all know what everyone in your prospective audience really wants is to jump through a ton of hoops and force a smile as you discuss character inspirations and mood music (not to mention all those rejections from “gate-keeping” traditional publishers.) Why, I’m sure most of them love to sit through time-share presentations before getting their free vacation, as well!

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Also, make sure you have been planning this thing for at least 6 months before you realized this was even a thing. These things take time, after all, which you don’t have! Now you have all of four weeks (if you are lucky) to do half a year’s preparation. Good times!

You  want to show these strangers that you really have your shit together, because when someone thinks “author” they think the picture of mental health and organizational godliness. So, set yourself up for success by finding a block of time that both gives you the freedom to mingle in real time with your party guests and manages to find that sweet spot of peak traffic time across the many time zones of the world!

One way to achieve this perfect union of scheduling is to just make the party last a full day, that way you don’t become that monster author that excluded anyone. There are no clique-queens here! Save the feelings of betrayal for when you kill off the one character your readers love.

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If you just can’t shove the rest of your responsibilities to that back burner where you’ve managed to dump all of your other works-in-progress while you focus on this one little launch party—don’t worry, I am sure you will remember those little sparks of ideas you had while scrolling through Published to Death for advice on throwing a virtual launch party (spoiler: there isn’t any)—then you can always create a script for you to copy and paste from. Candid interactions are so overrated anyway. So is winging it. And sobriety.

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Make sure you set up a few party games for your guests to interact with one another (because, let’s face it, it’s unlikely you will get three to five hours of actual uninterrupted-by-life time to sit and focus on making sure every guest gets to know you on a deep, personal level!) They can’t just be any random game, though. You don’t want to shatter this illusion of competency with an unstructured party! The games should match up with your book somehow.

Theme is the key word. Everything needs to tie in to your book, so you better be certain of what the underlying theme is so you can apply it to your launch. This is not the time for novels written for the sake of writing. It has to have an ulterior motive. Or, you know, something you can hashtag the crap out of. Make it relevant. It doesn’t matter if you started writing it before the age of the internet (or that it’s set in 17th century Bavaria), if you want to get the most hits out of this shindig, then you better find a way to weave the “Fake News” narrative in there.

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Also, let’s talk giveaways. If we are being completely honest with ourselves, we know the giveaways are the only real reason most of these people take five minutes out of their day to pop in. Without them, all you have to offer is a book you wrote. That hardly seems worthy compensation for their time spent with you. And don’t even think about having nothing to offer your guests other than a free copy of the work you are promoting. Years of effort and tears or not, that is a cheap way to go about things.

I mean, you are an author, are you not? You need to dip into the buckets of wealth you’ve obviously somehow made prior to putting this book out for sale, and find things people actually want. That way, when they pass by a copy of your novel on the shelves, they will be overcome with warm fuzzy feelings and remember getting the Target gift cards, the custom t-shirt you spent $30.00 to make (each), or the Kindle Fire they can now read other people’s books on. Those memories won’t make them actually buy your novel, but gosh, isn’t it a nice gesture?

If you think people are going to remember you by the novel you’ve been sweating over, then maybe you should go buy a few more books on publishing and marketing. You’ll get over those dewy-eyed dreams of trending on Twitter, I promise.

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Here is where it gets interesting! All that careful researching, planning, crafting, luring, and binge-drinking you’ve done over the last month? Toss it. Forget about it. Pretend it never happened.

Why does this have to be so complicated? You wrote a book. You decided to self-publish. Was that not masochistic enough for you? If this is your first book, I’m going to let you in on a secret I stumbled upon in the end-days of researching: There is little to no chance that throwing an elaborate launch is going to do you any good. Why? Because no one knows who you are! I mean, really. Say you didn’t do the whole twitter thing, the whole networking and rubbing elbows with established authors thing. Let’s just say that, as far as recognition is concerned, no matter how many times you’ve retweeted one of those wacky writers you love, it has done NOTHING to put your name out there for people to recognize.

Would you follow some random guy on the street corner because he shouts about some party he’s throwing in your face as you walk by? No? Exactly. It’s better if you get your name out there with some of your actual work before you attempt this. No one likes those writers that tweet nothing but links to buy their book. No one like being shouted at to pay attention to something! 

If no one knows who you are, and you don’t have the benefit of word-of-mouth advertising for your party, that’s pretty much the equivalent of a buy-link avalanche on twitter.

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Congratulations, if you made it this far, then you have successfully walked my own personal path of throwing a launch party. The bottom line? There isn’t gonna be one for Deny the Moon. Not like everyone says to do. Not yet.

I was making myself insane over doing this the “right way” this time, until finally I realized the right way does not exist. What works for all those other writers won’t work for me, and probably won’t work for you. Trying to copy their success (or attempt at it) isn’t authentic to me. I’m a fledgling author with one little novel. No one outside of my family and friends really know my name, and a good deal of them don’t pay much attention to my writing journey. How in the Hell am I supposed to make a name for myself if I only have one book? How am I supposed to make more books if I waste ALL my free time trying to pimp out this one?

I won’t. So, this Saturday, I won’t be throwing a Launch Party for my book after all. You can still stop by the Duckicorn Facebook page if you like, as I will still try to post some random tidbits. If you want to ask a question or start a discussion I am all for it! But I think I’m going to celebrate the relaunch by working on the sequel, for real this time. Maybe when that one is done, I will try again. Who knows. There might be a Kindle Fire in the future.**

**For me, not to give away. You heard me mention I am self-published, right?
A note about this post:
Most of this is pretty tongue-in-cheek and meant as a vent for my personal frustrations with marketing yourself and your book on your own. I do want to make one thing clear before I depart: Launch Parties can be a great tool for getting to know your audience. They won’t work for everyone, but quite a few authors have found success in them and this is not to belittle that success in any way. It works for some people. Some people it doesn’t. The point is to find the ways that work for you, rather than just going through with something because “everyone else is doing it.” I truly don’t believe there is a right or wrong way to promote yourself. There is only the way best suited for your product. 🙂 Cheers, and good luck!

~Melissa